FUNERAL PLANS

Apparently Satan’s emissary to Chile, Augusto Pinochet, has stepped back from death’s door. This is good. The longer he lingers in a state of pain and incapacity the better.

It is also necessary to the interests of justice that prosecutions against the mass murderer continue. His death should take place in a prison. Also, all of the money he plundered should be located and returned to the Chilean treasury, and his family should be stripped of all assets associated with their international pariah paterfamilias.

Chile’s current president, whose father was tortured and murdered by Pinochet, is ultimately responsible for any state funeral that may be provided the former dictator. When asked, her spokesperson said, “It’s in bad taste to talk about funerals when somebody is still alive.”

“Bad taste, that’s my department!” Pud chimes in.

“I would make it a simple, dignified state funeral,” Pud says.

“I always liked the mule-thing they did for MLK. We should go with that.

“We strip Pinochet’s body bare, except we CrazyGlue that comic opera cocked hat to his head. We hitch him up to a pair of mules and drag him through the streets of Santiago—through rich neighborhoods, through the financial district.

“Then, in the main public square, we toss his body in a pen of ravenous dogs.

“Then, after the feast, the remaining bone splinters will be gathered up and sold on eBay , the proceeds going to the legal expenses of Chileans who wish to sue Pinochet’s estate for damages.

“It’s easy and cheap, a couple of mules, some glue, maybe a couple of snare-drummers, the dogs are free, and with pay-per-view and other marketing it’ll probably be a real money maker.”

“But Pinochet is small fry compared to the guy who put him in power in the first place,” Pud says. “What’ll we do with Henry Kissinger’s body”

“You’re being harsh,” I told Pud, “it’s bad karma.”

“You want harsh?” he exclaimed. “Harsh is what they did to Ceausescu. He was the Romanian dictator who created all those touch-deprived orphans. Cuckoo! He and Vlad the impaler put Transylvania on the map. The place is just spooky, like Texas.

“Old Ceausescu and his wife were caught trying to sneak out of town. The rebels executed them on Christmas Day, and announced that their deaths were a ‘Christmas gift to the country.’

“Completely well deserved,” Pud said, “but, yeah, maybe a teense harsh. Deservedly harsh.”

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