Saturday, September 16, 2006


I can understand a docile press, I guess, but where’s the goddamn clergy?

There’s been a ton of discussion about US treatment of international detainees (not to mention domestic police practice) in the news lately. Much of the discussion centers on whether the US is bound by international laws and treaties. Another part of the discussion is whether specific techniques amount to “torture.” The third consideration is whether it is advisable in the long run for the US to employ torture. Bringing up the rear is any thought of whether or not torture is moral.

On this last issue we’ve heard barely a peep out of our Christian nation’s Christian clergy. I’m going to end that, by compiling definitive opinions from representatives of any and all Christian denominations currently operating in the United States.

It’ll be pretty simple. The table of contents will be a list of interrogation/torture techniques currently in use around the world.

For each technique, e.q., electrodes clipped to testicles for electric shocks, clergymen would answer just three questions: Would Jesus do it?, Is it ok for a Christian minister to participate? Is it ok for a regular Christian to do it?

We could rank the various torture techniques from mildest to most extreme. So we could see at what level each denomination drops their approval. Some sects might approve holding a gun to a prisoner’s head, but would disapprove actually killing him.

This would also pertain within a particular technique. Some sects might approve sleep deprivation by blasting loud music, as long as it’s Christian music. Other sects might say any music was ok. Or, when it comes to throwing uncooperative prisoners out of helicopters, most ministers would agree that the number tossed to their deaths should be limited to what’s necessary to extract cooperation from the remaining prisoners.

Of course there would be a really juicy appendix of torture techniques actually employed throughout history by Christian denominations. This will ensure perv-sales.

Interested agents, publishers, contributors, please reply by comment to this post.

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