Monday, July 31, 2006

BOOZE IN THE NEWS

In the process of getting busted DUI, Mel, I-am-not-anti-Semitic, Gibson spewed an anti-Jewish rant, including the assertion that the Jews have caused all the wars in history, which is kind of a stretch if you want to include ancient inter-tribal warfare on the island now called Papua-New Guinea, say.

The press is taking this ranting as evidence that Mel Gibson really is anti-Jew, that he was driving along thinking all sorts of nasty things about the Jews because, well, that’s what he does.

Pud has a different take:

“You know, most people have good attributes and bad attributes. Sometimes we can really like a person and other times that same person can annoy the hell out of us. Sometimes we find ourselves thinking, and even saying, awful things about a person we are very close to. Thus the old lyric ‘You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all…’

“Well, Mel isn’t always thinking hateful things about Jews, he thinks hateful and non-hateful things about all sorts of people, but on that particular night he had just heard about the bombing in Qana.”

“So what?” I said, “There’s lots of bombings on both sides.”

“But this was personal for Mel,” Pud said.

“Yeah…”

Pud lowered his voice. “If you print this it well be the scoop of the year. You should beware of the consequences. This comes from sources I truly can’t reveal.

“Mel has a booze/religion induced obsession with Qana. Qana was called Cana in the New Testament, and as you remember, was the site of Jesus’ first miracle. Jesus and his mom went to a wedding reception at Cana. It was such a great party that folks hung around and kept drinking and dancing and the supply of wine soon ran low.

“Mary went to Jesus and told him that the host, their dear friend, would soon be embarrassed by running out of wine. So Jesus changed some big old jugs of water into wine. The host was off the hook. In fact he was praised for serving such excellent wine so deep into the alcohol consumption cycle.

“But, Pud, what does this have to do with anything?” I whined.

“Everything,” Pud replied confidently. “Mel’s a boozer. At the Cana wedding party Jesus endorsed, hell, facilitated heavy drinking. So Cana is sort of a holy site for Catholic boozehounds. And the Israelis had just bombed it to rubble.

“Mel Gibson, this is the scoop, has invested a lot of time and money pursuing the left-over wine, you know, the stuff that Jesus made. Legend has it that there is still some of it around.”

“You’re a lying asshole,” I said.

“No it’s true. He’s obsessed—you know that look in his eye. People search for the true cross or the holy grail or Agamemnon’s nail file. Hell, the most beautiful building in Europe was constructed to house the supposed crown of thorns. It makes perfect sense for someone who likes alcohol to want to taste what must be the best wine ever produced. They say it’s stayed good for two thousand years because, heck, Jesus made it, it’s not going to spoil.

“Of course, actually getting hold of it, if it really exists at all, is an Indiana Jones kind of endeavor. Mel has a fucking team!”

“Is it just for the taste, or does a sip of the Cana-wine make someone powerful, or healthy, or saved, or even happy?” I asked

“Only someone with Mel Gibson’s faith and financial resources might ever find out.”

“How will he know if he finds the real stuff?”

“He can’t know until he actually tries it and feels the effects. Anyway, that’s why he has to keep drinking, and that’s obviously why he was pissed off at the Jews on that particular night. They bombed the wine, he was thinking, those asshole’s bombed the wine!

“So cut the poor guy a little slack. He’s on a mission.”

“Is this the same story Michael Jackson told the kids, you know, the Jesus-juice?” I teased.

“Can’t you be serious, just once?” Pud scolded.

----- o -----

6 comments:

sfmike said...

Wow, I finally understand all, though I think it's more of a "Da Vinci Code" endeavor than an "Indiana Jones" one on Mel's part.

I find the news somewhat suspicious that the Malibu deputy who arrested Mel is a fine young Jewish man who "feels bad" about causing such a ruckus for Mr. Gibson.

Somehow, the entire event and its timing smells more like a Jewish version of "vendetta, vendetta, vendetta," as they sing at the end of Verdi's five-act tragic opera, "I Vespri Siciliani."

sfwillie said...

Hey Mike, So, was the Cana leftovers covered in the DaVinci Code. If so, Pud's in big trouble.

One stinkeroo: point-one-two is not out of control drunk. Before MADD did it's thing in the '80s, presumptive drunk in CA was point-one-five. So, what other intoxicants were involved?

So, do you think Mel was set up? That would be a fun story.

Ok, so I'll listen to I Vespri Siciliani.

sfmike said...

I don't believe Cana was mentioned in "The Da Vinci Code," though I can't be sure, even though I did read the silly thing. Still, Pud's fabulous interpretation of Mel and Cana read like a good parody of the book. "Because when he finds the wine, it actually has some of Jesus' blood in it and we can somehow get the DNA and resurrect Jesus!"

As for Mel being a set-up, nothing would surprise me at this point. The timing, however, was certainly CONVENIENT, as The Church Lady used to say. "Don't watch Israel turning an entire nation into refugees, look over here and see a movie star in Malibu grovel on the ground for saying bad things about his neighbors, employers and financiers. It's much more entertaining."

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