NUKES, KNIVES, BARBER POLES

To the Beheaders:

America is not the Great Satan. It's Satan's close friend, does Satan’s bidding, and wallows in Satan’s largesse, but it's not Satan. Not in the sense that if you eliminate America you eliminate Satan.

Demonizing aside, you’re correct that America is your enemy. When American cultural imperialism achieves its destined world hegemony, people who think like you will no longer exist. Arab and Islamic culture will be memorialized as just another theme hotel on the Vegas Strip.

“Bally’s Mecca” sound good? The Prophet's Playroom serving the stiffest drinks in town. The showgirls won't exactly be wearing chadris. The complimentary condoms--Sheiks. Piss you off? Of course you’re pissed off. Of course you want to go out and do some beheading. But please understand: beheading won’t work.

Hacking some poor guy’s head off with hundreds of chops from a Swiss Army knife definitely makes attention-getting television. The screams of the hackee are particularly chilling. But in the long run it’s just “content,” like the Paris Hilton tapes, tucked away in some corner of the web for perv delectation.

And look at the expense. Your beheading videos must take time and money to produce. The masked chorus. The highly-paid hacker. Kidnapping costs. Video stuff. This is a lot of trouble to kill just one person.

If you guys want to survive, you have to get smart about weaponry. Instead of running around beheading people one at a time, you should be in school, studying engineering, physics, chemistry, rocket-science. Face it, you need nukes.

In the same way that you want to do some beheading, our guy George Bush felt like he wanted to do some invading. So who did he invade? Nuclear armed North Korea? Nuclear-vague Iran? Hell no. He's went after the guys with the knives and videotape, and the puppy-killer, Saddam. Until you replace your knives with ICBMs, the Great Satan only laughs at you.

Another thing: what’s all this uptightness about sex? If it's dick-size, not to worry. Dicks are like dogs, big or small they are all potentially lovable, and lovability has nothing to do with size. People like the loyalty—the way they jump up and get all excited when mommy or daddy comes home. They can make a person feel wanted, even if they're only a tenth the size of a Great Dane or Saint Bernard.

And besides, if your partners crave big ones, they’ll always want more, no matter how big yours is. For them God created sex toys, and barber poles*. The whole idea is to have fun, not to measure up. Sheesh!

Last piece of advice. This seventy-virgin thing—don’t go down that road. If you get hooked on virgins, seventy isn't nearly enough. Let's say your last few days on earth were spent terrorizing and beheading and stuff, and you didn’t have much time for sex, you'd arrive in heaven kind of horny, right? Come on, you’ll go through your seventy virgins in a week. And they're virgins only once. Then what? You'll be spoiled.

Think it through. There you are for eternity, surrounded by seventy women, all non-virgins, constantly nagging you for sex. It's a trap. You could do better on earth.

In summary:

• Find a girl or guy you like, who likes you, and have lots of sex until the two of you are a really good sex-team. Then you don't have to be uptight about sex any more.
• Be serious about your cause, go to school, learn to build nukes.
• With nukes you can rival any Great Satan.

* Per the Sanskrit saying: “Go sit on a barber pole.”

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