AMERICAN STANDARD

Just as the name Ford is associated with automobiles, Carnegie with steel, and Rockefeller with oil, so, at least in the state of Idaho, the surname Craig will forever be associated with furtive mensroom sex.

Senator Larry Craig in recent public appearances has shown himself to be a moron—it’s ill advised to ever say “I’m not gay,” but it’s utterly moronic to say, “I never have been gay.”

Not that we expect much from Idaho. Heck, even the great state of California has sent the likes of Murphy, Hayakawa, and Feinstein to the Senate.



But you’d think that somewhere, even in a state famous for potatoes, a criminal defendant could find a decent lawyer.

This fool Larry Craig actually pleaded guilty!

He couldn’t have been sane!

There are a host of reasons why Larry Craig could be completely innocent.

But when Craig foolishly gave a recorded statement to the Minneapolis policeman who caught him, his options were narrowed.

If Craig had said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” all defenses would have remained on the table, but Craig went with the “wide stance” explanation.

Craig claims he wasn’t signaling for sex when his foot went under the partition into the adjoining stall, he was just wide-stancing.

This is basically an Americans with Disabilities Act defense: the design of the toilet stalls in that airport mensroom discriminates against men who have wide stances.

We’ve seen the pictures of the toilet stall in question. It’s so narrow that any man with a wide stance could get busted for gay sex.

The only question would be one of fact: does Larry Craig really have a wide stance? The guys pictured here definitely have wide stances.


I’d advise all of them to be careful changing planes in Minneapolis.

Eventually the ADA will someday be amended to protect men with wide stances.

Senator Larry (wipe that stuff off your lips) Craig his determined to hang around, drawing a Senate salary for another month. Since his party has stripped him of his committee assignments, maybe he could occupy his time advocating for a wide stance amendment to the ADA.

Discredited now, yes even humiliated, the butt (he’s definitely not into that) of everyone’s jokes, Larry Craig would be revered by future generations of wide-stanced men.

Nixon’s secretary (pictured below), Rosemary Woods, wrenched her back while erasing the worst eighteen minutes of her boss' recorded conspirings. This focused national attention on office ergonomics.

So, too, Larry Craig’s ordeal could spotlight the need for forensically neutral mensroom architecture.

Be a hero, Larry.

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